Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

I ate everything, including the H.

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

im 7 sauces long

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.