health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
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[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?