health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
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There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
yeah not falling for this one
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
me after eating Cheetos
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Please vote for people who are attractive
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle