Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

😭😭

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!