Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
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girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Isn’t
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?