Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
You Might Also Like
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order