healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
You Might Also Like
mood
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Thursday Thought.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
🤣😈🤣
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.