healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
me after eating Cheetos
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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget