Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
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Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
New nose
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
these can’t be my only options
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.