Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

*pronounces fake like saké*

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

Here to help

it takes so much energy

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer