Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir