Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
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I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Nomnomnomnom
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.