Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

2022 will be better than 2021

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”