Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
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Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
thank god
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.