Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
You Might Also Like
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.