Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

My favorite female superhero

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast