Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
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Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.