Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
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I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Sing it!
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.