Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
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me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
A little too much information.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*