Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
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Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I’ll be mad as hell!
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.