Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
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I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him