Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
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Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Most fashion shows these days…
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.