Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
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do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.