Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
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Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
Chemical wingman
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.