Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

Hmmmmm

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come