FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Hear me out: a new Gordon Ramsay show where he helps kindergarteners with homework.
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*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
God: you’re a cat.
God: you really love the humans.
Cat: yeah I do!
God: but you don’t express your feelings very well.
Cat: oh no! what should I do?
God: try giving them gifts.
Human: is-is that a dead bird?
Cat: [happy whisper] I love you so much!
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
This is just a bottomless Pitt
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Her: I like you.
Me: I’m a complete psycho, none of this is an act. Godspeed.