Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…