Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
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If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
and this one
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
incredible text to wake up to
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.