Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
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thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
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Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
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