Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
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Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.