Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
You Might Also Like
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.