Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
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Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
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I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
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over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.