Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.