Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
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the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.