Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.