Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
You Might Also Like
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
good morning
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in