hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
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dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
This why you should mind your business
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good