Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
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[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours