Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
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I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
reviewed some movies recently
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When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.