Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
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Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The Joker was right
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
this post was so formative to me
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine