Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
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*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
best review i’ve ever seen
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Well, shit
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Worst Native American name ever.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.