Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

I’m going to need a moment here.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes