Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
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“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
What
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
my dad has had enough
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes