Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

I am laughing way too hard at this.

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”