Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
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my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
#NeverForget
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed