Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
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I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I hope Alan is OK
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
edward fingerhands
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
