Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
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Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone