Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
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[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules