Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
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[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
They should make a moral fiber supplement
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.