Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
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I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
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When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.