Hear me out: agenda reveal parties for people we don’t trust.
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Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
i’m sure it’s fine
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..