Hear me out: agenda reveal parties for people we don’t trust.
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You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more