Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
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i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”