Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

They’re not wrong

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing