Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
You Might Also Like
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I know this now 😂
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator