Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
You Might Also Like
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Are you ok, human???
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Every damn time
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.