Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
You Might Also Like
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
#gardening
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]