Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

Are these grass-fed oranges?

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu