Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

channeling her this year

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”