Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

I only eat vegetarians.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.