Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases