Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
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Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler