Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I put the hot in psychotic.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.