Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.