Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
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The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
So the ex texted me
