Hear me out: his and hers houses.
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Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Just a reminder, folks:
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Leftovers are for quitters!
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
The USS B port
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.