Hear me out: his and hers houses.
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Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
😭😭😭😭
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.