Hear me out: his and hers houses.
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Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I love you…
…r dog.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
