“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
You Might Also Like
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it