Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

Every haunted house movie:

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too